Dubious Links



Several large books could be -- and have been -- written about the useless crap that can be found on the Internet. And each and every one of those books should be dropped from a great height on the people who created the following pages.

The following "Dubious Links" were chosen by a committee of one drunken web developer and his Magic Eight Ball™. Each site was carefully combed using our extremely discriminating selection criteria -- if it made me gag, roll my eyes, or want to become physically violent, it made the list.

I put them here for the world to see, not only because I'm one opinionated son of a bitch, but in the hope that, by doing so, I may somehow better the world. I'm nothing if not altruistic.

The Hamster Dance

UPDATE: I simply can NOT believe the popularity this thing has garnered. I first heard about it, as I'm sure most people did, when a friend sent the link to me with the message, "It's just so cute!" Unless you're on a high-speed line with a fast processor, it a bitch to download, and it has nothing in the way of content -- just a few dozen animated hamsters dancing to a sped-up version of Roger William's theme from Disney's "Robin Hood". (You have no idea how relieved I was to find that out -- I KNEW I'd heard the music somehwere before). It's the kind of thing I'd expect people to visit once, say "how cute," and continue in their never-ending porn-surf marathons. But, no, people seem to keep coming back for more.

Perhaps it provides a zen moment for people. I will admit that there is something viscerally satisfying about a bunch of dancing rodents, but its growing popularity seems to go beyond that. Folks are calling it "the new Dancing Baby," but that wasn't just some cutesy thing, it was a technological breaktrhough -- and one of the spookiest freakin' things I've ever seen.

Perhaps this is a return to the early days of the web when the mantra was, "If you build it, they will come." The site's popularity has spawned a number of parodies, including my favorite, The Jesus Dance, which I'm going to hell just for seeing. Like most web fads, this will blow over soon, but if the populace is so easy to entertain, making my first million may not be as daunting as I had originally anticipated. As for my true opinion of the Dancing Hamsters, I stand by my original assessment: Just because you can build a web site doesn't necessarily mean that you should. I'd be lying, though, if I said I didn't dig the music.

The Small Wonder Fan Page
A very unsettling site with slight pedaphilic overtones, despite the terse anti-child porn message near the bottom of the (very long) front page. Ever wondered what became of Vicki the robot and her saccharine family? This is the place to find out. Not for the weak of stomach. Interesting trivia fact: Tiffany Brisette, who played the robot on the show, is apparently a deeply devout Christian who has appeared singing on the 700 club. Wasn't "Small Wonder" essentially about man's desire to play God? I think I see a deconstructivist piece on this topic in the future. Stay tuned...
 
The JenniCam
Never have I seen such an elaborately built temple dedicated to one person. She puts all other personal sites to shame with her self-aggrandizement. I don't know whether to vomit from the disgusting show of excess or applaud her for having the proverbial gonads to do it.
 
Startchurch.com
And God begat Man who begat Commerce who co-opted God and sold Him in a cheap package for only $39.95. I was hoping this site would help me finally get my "Temple of Black Label No. 7" off the ground (if you don't get the reference, have another shot) but, instead, clicked away thinking, "I tokenized the Lord our God and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt." And people wonder why I'm Buddhist.