This is my pattern: I get a bunch of ideas. I start writing them down. I find myself pouring these ideas into long, rambling - often very ranty - streams of consciousness that go on for page after page. I'm just getting what's in my head out into a different medium, where it's constant bouncing around won't do as much psychic damage. I think, "If I cleaned this up and shared it with folks, that may actually start solving some of the problems I see and, if nothing else, start conversations that can lead to better outcomes."
So, I set up a blog.
And I get a few posts into a stable state and get them up...
And the blog goes stale.
Not because I've run out of things to write about - with infinite time, energy, and drive I could write until I drew my last breath - but because I am beset by far too many options and can't seem to land on just one without pulling everything else in. Because all of this stuff is interconnected, and I'm afraid if I leave one part out, the rest won't stand up well on its own.
Plus, writing takes time. An writing well takes A LOT of time.
I do the first draft to get it out of my head. I go back through it and clean up grammar and spelling (evidence to the contrary not withstanding), try to clarify and flesh out points and ideas... and find myself writing even more, the cycle going on endlessly.
Each day I'm presented with a choice: Write for the blog, write for some marketing purpose (I still need money), or write code that I may be able to turn into revenue.
Coding is also taking more mental energy than it used to, so, if I find myself in the right mental space to be able focus on things, I consider it wiser to focus on the thing that may eventually provide the stability and build the community I'm looking for rather than posting yet another online rant about money perverts.
These days, I struggle to think laterally. Lateral thinking is unnatural to begin with, but it's the most common way for us to communicate because we engage with each other laterally. I can't expect you to know or follow every little ridiculous thought or reference that pops into my noisy brain, so I find myself explaining or linking or whatever a lot just to get through. So one paragraph turns into five, turns into a feature article, turns into a small novella, none of it well organized.
I'd rather not inflict that on you. And, besides, who wants to read that?
The writing you wind up with - same now as it has always been - is not what I consider "good enough" as much as I consider "get this shit out of my face before it tortures me to death - publish, forget, and move on".
So... this is a formal apology for not keeping up with posting, a warning that the schedule is unlikely to improve any time soon, and a plea for forgiveness for the crazy, non-linear, weird shit I'll likely post here going forward so I can get some of this stuff out of my head...
... And into yours.
I don't ask you to agree with any of it, or always understand it. But I would ask that you engage honestly and directly with it. The title of this blog is "Rob Zazueta is Losing His Mind" for a reason - It's a howl into the digital darkness with the hopes others will find it and, in so doing, find each other and work together to fix things. I've abandoned the ambitions placed on me by people who feel no obligation toward me in favor of ambitions toward contentedness, simplicity, and peace.
It's scary shit, yo.
And it's hard as hell. And, yeah, it's financially bad. Like, really bad. But money is fake, the people who focus on it are sociopaths and bootlickers, and I'm frankly tired of selling my life to these assholes while they make everything worse.
And now I'm about to rant, so I leave you here with that sense of what's simmering just beneath my surface, and of what's to come.
Get this out of my face before it tortures me to death - I'm hitting "publish" now.